The Last Straw
by vlaai
Summary: The Ministry of Magic comes to Hogwarts to present their newest invention to the Ravenclaw house. Oneshot.


It was a rainy Saturday morning in late November, when all Ravenclaws were collecting in Flitwick's classroom. Of course, there were no classes on Saturdays, so the moaning and grumbling was great, yet everyone still appeared dutifully. They were Ravenclaws, after all, and the peer pressure was real. No one wanted to be the one to not know a thing.

In the classroom they were greeted by the professor already sitting on his stack of books - it didn't make a lot of difference in terms of height, next to a formally looking ministry man. How Vivien knew he was formally looking, and from the ministry she didn't know, but she was utterly sure of it.

After everyone had shuffled in, the professor stood up. "Alright, everyone in? Please quiet down!" he asked. A bunch of "shhhs" went through the room, and after only 30 seconds most everyone had stopped talking.

"Welcome to this Saturday class. I know, of course, that you all want to pursue your own fun activities, but please gift Mister Nobrotor from the Department of Heirability a few minutes of your time. Thank you. Mister Nobrotor?"

The formal looking man nodded, and launched into a clearly well-rehearsed speech. "As you all get older, you will begin to notice the members of the other sex, if you haven't already. That is all fine and dandy, and we do need wizarding children, so feel free to experiment."

He paused and cleared his throat, but that was the only sound in the entire room. Did the Ministry just tell them to sleep with each other?

"If you don't, that's fine, too, we don't judge. Anyway, if you have any further questions on the particularities on this, please refer to your healer or other trained personnel, for example Professor Snape."

"The reason I am here today is to introduce you to a product invented by our department that will help you ensure that your experiments don't end in an unfortunate way. As you know, the wizarding world is rather small. In the last year alone we recorded more than 17 children born by second-cousins or closer. To avoid this, we developed this," the man said, holding up a thin pipe.

"We call this the sexual sensibility straw. It works like this:"

The man took one end of the straw in his mouth, and turned to professor Flitwick, who got on his toes, to catch the straw with his mouth. At the same time - clearly they had practiced this before - they started blowing, and after two seconds a small explosion and confetti came out of the middle of the straw, accompanied by a female voice saying in a neutral tone, "Congratulations. Your compatibility score is 94. The ministry wishes you a pleasant intercourse."

Murmurs started around the classroom, but, after some prodding from Flitwick died down quickly.

"If you have a score of below 75, the ministry officially does not recommend having children. If that happens, the announcement will change. Allow me to demonstrate. Amanda, if you would come forward?"

"But dad!" a red-faced second-year yelled, her face quickly redding, yelled from the third row.

"Don't be like that snuggly-pie, come on, help your daddy, you promised!"

Mortified, the girl made her way to the front, cleaned the straw on her robes (with clearly practiced movements), and got on her toes, so she and her father could blow in it. After two seconds, this time a sad trombone started playing. "Unfortunately, the Ministry of Magic cannot recommend intercourse. If you do wish to proceed, please do suck on the straw for a contraceptive potion. The Ministry thanks you for your cooperation."

They both started sucking on the straw, and swallowing. A confirmative ding!-sound was heard, and the voice continued. "The Ministy of Magic wishes you an enjoyable intra-familiar intercourse, and a pleasant day."

After the demonstration, a clearly mortified Amanda went back to her whispering classmates, straws were passed out, and the unusual Saturday meeting concluded.

"Wow," Viven said to Lisa, as they left the classroom. "That was so weird…"

Lisa nooded. "Yeah, I never thought we'd all fit in that classroom, that was so fascinating!"

Yes, Hogwarts was a weird place.


End file.
